HOW TO SING THE BLUES
by Lame Mango Washington
(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with
help from Uncle Plunky)
1.
Most Blues begin: "Woke up this morning".
2.
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:
"I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town".
3.
The Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weigh 500 pound".
4.
The Blues are not about limitless choice.
5.
Blues cars are Chevy's and Cadillac's.
Other acceptable Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
BMW's, SUV's and even Saturn's just don't cut it.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues.
Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7.
You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Hamilton, Ontario, or Vancouver, B.C.
Hard times in Saskatchewan or Nova Scotia is just depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, and Tallahassee are still the best places to have the Blues.
8.
The following colours do not belong in the Blues:
a) tangerine b) beige c) mauve.
9.
You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong.
10.
Good places for the Blues: a) the highway b) the jailhouse c) an empty bed.
Bad places: a) Ashrams b) gallery openings c) weekend in Muskoka.
11.
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless
you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it.
12.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if: a) you first name is a southern state - like Georgia b) you're blind c) you shot a man in Memphis d) you can't be satisfied.
Not if: a) you were once blind but now can see b) you're deaf c) you have a trust fund.
13.
Neither Celine Dion nor Anne Murray is permitted to sing the Blues.
14.
If you ask for water and Baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other Blues beverages are: a) wine b) Irish whiskey c) muddy water.
The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) any mixed drink b) any wine kosher for Passover c) Snapple (all flavours).
15.
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency ,
however it is not a Blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.
16.
Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie b) Big Mama c) Bessie.
17.
Some Blues names for men: a) Joe b) Willie c) Little Willie d) Big Willie e) Lightning.
18.
Persons with names like Autumn, Sequoia, and Rainbow will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19.
Other Blues names (starter kit): a) name of physical infirmity (blind, cripple, etc) b) first name (see above) plus name of fruit (lemon, lime, kiwi, etc) c) last name of a president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc). For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
20.
You can't sing the Blues if you are gay. Showtunes yes,
Blues no.